The holidays can be hard. Whether you’ve just landed at a new duty station or been there for years, the holiday season can bring up a complicated, tangled web of emotions. Add in a deployment and it can seem almost impossible to tackle the season alone.

Let me set the scene. Imagine you’re a military spouse at your first duty station thousands of miles from home. Everything familiar and comforting has been left behind. You miss your friends and family. Your spouse has deployed, leaving you alone in a new location during the holiday season. Everywhere you look you see happy families celebrating together, reminding you of what you’re missing.

Perhaps you’re also caring for a new baby, feeling emotionally and physically drained. Spouse deployment depression, also known as the deployment blues, has set in. Each day is a struggle and the holidays seem to make every emotion even more pronounced. You’re just not sure where to turn next.

Alternatively, you might be a single service member, facing the season solo at the barracks. Your buddies have all traveled home for the holidays, leaving you disconnected and overwhelmed. Loneliness in the military is a pervasive problem, one that you now know all too well.

On the other hand, maybe this isn’t your first time in this situation. This could be your third, fourth, or even fifth duty station, and you just can’t find your holiday spirit, no matter how hard you try.

If you’re oscillating between joy, excitement, sadness, and grief, know that you are not alone. 43% of military families feel isolated from their communities and that distance can feel even greater this time of year. The good news? There are ways to help get you through this season. And you may just find yourself stronger on the other side.

1. Recognizing and Validating Feelings

First, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings. It’s completely okay to feel however you do at the moment. You might feel homesick, lonely, or even angry. Holiday loneliness can manifest in a variety of ways. It’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions, some of which may even be contradictory. You’re human. And juggling a lot. Many military families feel the same way you do. Give yourself some slack.

Once you’ve identified and recognized your feelings, you can then choose how to respond by taking the next right step. One foot forward, one day at a time.

And remember, there is no such thing as a perfect holiday. This season may look different than you expected and that’s okay, too.

Embrace the highs and the lows.

2. Staying Connected: The Antitode to Holiday Loneliness

Family and friends are vital lifelines. Although you may tend to pull away when feeling down, make a dedicated effort to reach out. You’ll bring cheer to your loved ones, while also cheering yourself up. Try scheduling regular video calls. Make it fun by adding a game or topic for each week (trivia is always a hit!). Share holiday pics via text or social media. Or go old school and send a letter. It’s amazing how much your heart pours out while writing a letter!

Many years ago, a fellow military spouse started a pen pal list. She connected military spouses she knew personally with others. Years later, I’m still writing to my pen pal. I’ve found myself opening up more to her than to almost any other person. It’s brought me so much comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this military life. I’m deeply grateful for the military spouse support received in every letter.

Connection can come in many forms and may even be found in your mailbox! Or anywhere, once you’ve built your circle of support.

Find your tribe and stay connected.

3. Creating New Traditions

Consider starting fresh with a new holiday tradition. For example, during our time stationed at Camp Pendleton in southern California, our local, on-base Panda Express offered a free Military Appreciation Meal every December 25. My husband and I would grab our yummy lunch and head to the beach, where we’d eat Orange Chicken and watch the waves crash. It was a completely non-traditional way to celebrate, but we loved it! When family came to visit for the holidays, we brought them into our new annual tradition, too. We all enjoyed a delicious meal with no kitchen cleanup required!

Your new tradition can be anything you want. It might be specific to your current location or duty station, or something you can take with you wherever you land. Think about how you can make this time of year special. Decorate for the holidays, cook a once-a-year meal (you know… the one you think about all year long that takes wayyyyy too long to cook but is so, so tasty!!), or explore local holiday events and customs. You can even create your own special New Year’s tradition. Consider it a resolution to try something new!

Stepping outside our comfort zones is hard, but is so worth it!

4. Volunteering and Community Involvement

It takes a village. We’ve all heard the saying and know the meaning, but finding a purpose and giving back has a way of multiplying joy. And who doesn’t want more joy in their life, especially this time of year?

Get involved in your community. Find a local non-profit that supports a cause that’s close to your heart or one that gives back to the military. The experience will leave you with a profound sense of gratitude and belonging, helping to diminish that feeling of holiday loneliness.

While stationed in Montana, my husband had the amazing opportunity to be the Toys for Tots Coordinator for the local area. He volunteered to direct much of the program, while I volunteered at events and as their social media coordinator. But the very best part of the program was helping financially challenged families give their children the Christmas they deserved. It will forever be one of my favorite seasons from my husband’s military career.

Be the light for someone else. You’ll find yourself shining brightly, too.

5. Self-Care and Mindfulness

During the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it can be hard to make time for yourself. Wait. Scratch that. It can be hard to make time for yourself any time of the year.

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Nor can you give when you are completely depleted. Self-care is so important. It doesn’t have to take long, but does have to become a priority.

One of the simplest and most effective means of self-care is mindfulness. To simply become aware of our emotions, thoughts, and surroundings. It has a grounding effect and can stop the negative self-talk loop in our heads. It can be as quick and simple as just becoming aware of the present moment. What sensations do you notice in your body? What are you thinking? What is something you can feel right now (the chair beneath you, a blanket, your toddler or pup curled up on your lap, etc.)? What do you see? What can you taste? The five senses can guide us back to the current moment.

Mindfulness can also take the form of meditation. Guided meditations are one of my favorite forms of self-care. Grab a free subscription to Headspace, a Blue Star Families perk, or listen to the Mindful Military Spouse on your favorite podcast player! Self-care can also look like a hot bubble bath, a long shower, or a walk on the beach.

Pursue activities that fill your soul.

6. Seeking Support

Remember, you are not alone. If you’re struggling, ask for help. It takes a strong person to know when to reach out. There is no weakness or shame in sharing your mental (or physical!) load with others. We need each other to grow and thrive.

There are so many folks who want to support you: friends, family, neighbors, chaplains, counselors, and military support groups. Lean on one or lean into all.

Military OneSource can connect you with short-term counseling and/or Military and Family Life Counselors. For a more in-depth approach, explore the TRICARE Mental Health option that best fits your needs and health plan. Both avenues offer solutions that provide help for military spouses, as well as service members.

As someone who studied counseling theory in college, I never thought I’d need therapy. I was wrong. Entering therapy and advocating for my own wellness was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. It helped me unpack the unrelenting, repeated strain of military family life while preparing me to transition to life after my husband’s military retirement.

If you or someone you know is facing a mental health crisis, call or text 988 to be connected with a trained crisis counselor who can help.

You are not alone.

Chase holiday loneliness away with the support of others.

7. Sharing and Listening

You matter.

Your story matters.

Every single person matters.

That’s why it’s so important to share your story with others. Connecting breaks down barriers and reminds us that although our circumstances may be unique to us, the emotions and feelings we experience are universal. Everyone has felt sad, angry, upset, or conflicted at some point. And hopefully, everyone has also experienced joy.

This sense of connectedness through storytelling is especially important in the military community. With frequent moves, training, and deployments pulling you away from your loved ones, it’s easy to feel isolated. Find your way back to community by connecting to others and opening up. You don’t have to share your entire life story the first time you meet, but you do need to be authentic and honest.

Tell your story and listen to the stories of others.

You’ll feel connected in ways you can’t even imagine. That’s one of the reasons I’m so proud to be a part of the Armed Services YMCA (ASYMCA) Military Spouse Writing Program. Sharing my story with you reminds me that I’m part of a much larger community.

The ASYMCA: Your Home Away from Home

The ASYMCA is the constant in a military family’s life: on the homefront and during deployment, when transitioning between bases, in times of conflict and peace, and even during the holidays. Offering programs and services designed to bolster military family resilience, ASYMCA can help you navigate the challenges of any season. From Operation Holiday Joy to Operation Ride Home and so much more, the ASYMCA provides a ‘home away from home’ by being your community and connection hub, a place for solace, support, camaraderie, and cheer.

Seeking military spouse deployment support? The ASYMCA is here.

Looking to build and strengthen your network? The ASYMCA can help.

Need a little extra boost to help combat holiday loneliness? The ASYMCA has you covered.

No matter where you find yourself this season, know that you are not alone. You have an entire community ready to support you, including the ASYMCA. You will get through this and may even find some joy along the way. I’m rooting for you.

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